Look What I Found...

OK, I found more than the card proudly displayed above. Before I dig into a meaty post, can we all just take a minute and reflect on the ridiculousness of this baseball card? There were actually 12 different players, but Jose takes the cake (and now we know the juice as well).

Back to seriousness...I was in the 'Creek this past weekend for a family gathering. I was staring at a stack of baseball card boxes and Beckett pricing guides from the early 90's. I've been meaning to sort them for several years. For whatever reason, I decided to make a small dent in them.

In the middle of pricing guides, I found a letter addressed to "Master Brett Cassidy", a classic phrase of my pops. The postmark was May of 1990, so I would have been finishing up my 7th grade year as an awkward 13 year old. (Sorry, while tempted, I'm not going to post a picture).

My intrigue peaked to say the least.

I read the first lines...

It was a letter he wrote to me to explain to me the news I had heard about my parents dissolving their marriage.

Ugh, I don't think I want to read this.

I left the room while Kelly and my Mom uploaded pictures to the computer.

For some reason I was still compelled to read the letter, so I said a prayer, sat down, and dug in.

Certain phrases jumped out:

I am sorry Brett. I am sorry for the pain and suffering you have had to experience.

Let me assure you that you will be provided for.

One of your characteristics I'm most proud of is your tenacity.

You are a very mature and intelligent young man.

Brett, I love you son. I will always love you. You are a special, very special gift from God.

Did my Dad really write this? The gruff, tough-love guy that I can point my finger toward for a number of less-than-loving aspects of my life.

Yes.

Yes he did.

There was a lot about being there for my Mom, being a shoulder for her to lean on. That I wasn't as crazy about, but I understand where he was coming from. It reminds me of how I had to grow up fast, and it gives perspective to the stress and anxiety I can feel when I'm home for a visit. That house is my responsibility, or at least it used to be.

I'm sure that's the part I gravitated to at that time as I dealt with depression and abandonment. The message of love was not recognized then, but it is recognized and received now.

It took me nearly 20 years, but I can now see my earthly father as a man, a flawed man that made some mistakes but definitely loved me then, and loves me now.

He doesn't always say it, and I definitely don't "hear it" amidst his probing questions that feel like an interview.

This letter however...this letter that was bad news then is full of good news now.

Looking back at that time in my life, I'm sure the enemy made me feel like I didn't have a father that loved me.

Now, I find peace and comfort in the love of two fathers, my Heavenly Father and my earthly one.

I am extremely thankful for my Dad, and while I didn't see him, this made for quite the Father's Day present for me, his son.

bc

PS - The Canseco card is available to the highest bidder.

Alcohol Embargo!*

I remember it like it was yesterday. My Dad was visiting for my fraternity's "Dad's Weekend" in 1998 and we were both returning home from the bars, no doubt stumbling a bit. Then, in all seriousness, and my Dad can be scary serious, he said to me, "Brett, you're grandfather was an alcoholic. That's why your grandma divorced him. And I'm an alcoholic. You need to be very careful with this booze so it doesn't happen to you." Granted, he had just spent the night buying me drinks.

Fast-forward several years and I had not taken his warning to heart. I drank multiple nights a week, trying to fill up some loneliness, trying to fit in, trying to get myself to that fun-loving drinker personality. Ugh. It didn't work.

So when I received a DUI in November of 2003, I felt really thankful to God, even though my relationship with Him wasn't that great. Seemingly non-existent is a better way to describe it. Yet, I feel like he was watching over me, and I was grateful my traffic incident was a simple traffic stop, not a mangled car crash, driving the wrong way on a highway or anything that put me, or more importantly, others in danger.

The next step was to go to church, because I felt guilty for being gone since my teen years. Also, I need to do some cleansing prior to my court date. That was my old way of thinking. Everything turned out fine...suspended license for a bit, some fines and a 3-day weekend program that had the worst food I've ever eaten.

That spring, I hadn't fully changed my ways. No more driving if I drank, but I still drank. My buddy Bryan and I were in a bar one Thursday night, and we both spoke about feeling "a need to be in church" for some reason or another. He mentioned hearing good things about this church in Oakley. I remembered it being an HQ and was always mystified by it.

We went that Sunday, and both of us have been going ever since. He had to pick me up those first few weeks, and when he couldn't go, I drove myself with that suspended license. "God wanted me there" I surmised...I'm still not sure about that. God probably would have been better with a bus or walking.

My drinking still existed, but it was becoming less and less a part of me. Less bars. More understanding and reflection on the emotions I would have about drinking. Definitely more self awareness.

So in the December classes when I learned about how the enemy passes curses down generations, I felt an immediate prompting from God in that room.

Alcohol.

You need to stamp it out.

You do NOT want to risk passing this on.

Do I have to? I mean, I have it under control.

Come on Brett. Is it that big of a sacrifice?

I guess not.

I sat in quiet time with it for a few days, and then just kind of launched it at my wife without prepping her. She provided some interesting and seemingly valid counterpoints to my revelation. Thought I was overreacting. Started providing situations where it would be weird and awkward if I didn't drink (something I had done a few years ago to myself).

You don't want your non-believing friends to think you have to stop drinking to follow Jesus, do you?

Well, no.

And I dropped it.

(To be fair to Kelly, she hasn't ever seen me drunk, and alcohol hasn't been a big factor in your family history.)

So when, after Wednesday night's meeting, I stood with guys praying and laying hands on Bryan (yes that Bryan) because he felt the Lord calling him to give up drinking, well, that wasn't a random coincidence.

I told my wife what Bryan told me was going on in his life, how he felt prompted supernaturally. I asked if she remembered when I talked about it. She remembered. I didn't blame or accuse her, but I DID let her know I was on a drinking embargo until further notice. I could really feel her support for my decision.

So...I'm finally heeding the warnings of my earthly father and my Heavenly Father on this one.

*Originally posted on another blog

Nice Goals

I was cleaning out my room in my Mom's house a few days ago and stumbled upon an old notebook from college. It had a list of "Brett's Goals for the 1st Semester". Not sure which year it was, but I'm thinking Sophomore or Junior. Anyways, see if you notice a pattern.

1. Attend All Classes
2. Get a 3.5
3. Do a lot better job of studying
4. Don't procrastinate
5. Budget time better, don't waste time
6. Keep in touch at home
7. Support House
8. Don't waste money
9. Run 5 days a week
10. Try not to be such an idiot all the time.
11. Have fun
12. Try to cut down TV time
13. Increase Quiet times
14. Read more
15. Eat better
16. Be more outgoing

Hello! Do any of those stand out to you? Maybe the one in bold. That's the point of the bold. It's to highlight that my "goal" was dripping with such accusation and self-hatred that it jumped off the page when I reread it.

I also noticed that several others were written from a negative perspective. I felt the lack of love in this has soon as I started reading. I felt nervous and anxious, disappointment in myself and just so much more baggage.

Even in the midst of this, there was some wisdom, but it was covered in the demon dung.
My struggles with discipline, time management, healthy living in terms of food and exercise, sound finances, maintaining relationships were also apparent. I was self aware, but away from the Lord, had no chance with them. The Accusation, Unloving and Rejection were at the root of these "goals", not God's love.

Let's just say when I start back at UC full time this fall, I'll be writing some relying on someone else to help me develop my goals. Thankfully, life is like that notebook. With God's help, you can rip out the negative accusations and self-hate and still have plenty of white space to create.

I'm feeling very good about that.

Breaking the Porn Chain

"The chains of habit are too weak to be felt until they are too strong to be broken" - Samuel Johnson (18th Century English Writer)


I have a rule...I listen to the advice of guys with perms like the one above. OK, I don't have that rule, but maybe I should.

I just wish I would have realized the truth in the above quote as it applies to several things in my life. The topic that inspires this is my addiction to porn. While I've been free of this beast for about 3 years now, the enemy often attacks me with temptation.

We talked about "soul ties" in our last class. I realized this week I was tied to every interaction with pornography, from the first encounter at age 7 in my brother's clubhouse to my last glimpse of the "hard stuff" over three years ago. That's 20+ years. While it wasn't a constant in the early years, it was much more so at the end.

Thousands of images and impressions...well, that is quite the chain that attached to me. So while every single strand might not have seemed like a big deal at the time, the results were simply toxic.

The fact that the enemy still attacks me with images of the stuff, the fact I can still unfortunately remember the first picture I saw in that clubhouse...it just SCREAMS that this stuff is tied to me.

When the things that come to mind to say to my wife during intimate moments are more porn dialogue and less Song of Songs, we have a problem.

I repented of specific soul ties this week in group to people I knew, as well as the many one-sided "relationships" I developed through porn.

A brother developed this prayer for some of his relationships, and I found it to be spot-on what I need to be praying many times over cut away at these chains and experience the FREEDOM that only our Heavenly Father can provide.

"Lord, I repent of my sexual immorality with _______. I release her, and I receive your purity and your love, Lord. Please give her purity in all her relationships. Amen."

Happy Cutting. While the chains are too strong for us to break away from, HE has a Love and Forgiveness that cuts through like a hot knife through butter.

bc

Peanuts and Postcards

Last week I flew with Kelly to DC to visit my Dad and stepmother. I was excited for this trip, because I felt I had truly shed some bondage I carried in this relationship. During the deliverance process, I've often looked at my Dad and picked out lots of ugliness in him, and generational spirits I have obtained from him.

I've done this to the point that I feel like I was almost piling on him. So I think this next part is pretty awesome.

We were on the plane and the flight attendant was handing out cookies and peanuts. As I was eating my 13-14 peanuts, the Spirit took me to the memory of all the times my Dad traveled for work, and how he wrote postcards and almost always brought peanuts for me. He WAS thinking of me, wanting to show me love when he was absent. Whether he sacrificed his bag of peanuts or asked for another, it doesn't matter.

The Lord can bring things loving memories to us, and the enemy wants to keep them from us. Honestly, my most vivid postcard memory is the time he didn't finish one or forgot it, so he filled it out at the kitchen table with me sitting there. For some reason, I was really upset by this, and of course, I remember that more than the nearly 100 he sent me from TDY in Florida. He always addressed them "Master Brett Cassidy"...and I felt like the most important person in the world.

Wow, God just gave me that extra memory to wash over any rejection I would feel from dredging up that negative feeling.

I prayed last night that the Lord would continue to help me root out the cockroaches, the toxic garbage in my past...AND I also asked that he would continue to unveil memories of Love and Joy that I have with the same people, that I see them how He sees them.

Peanuts and postcards...pretty powerful tools.

Two Perspectives

We had the Unloving lecture in our Strongholds class last week. To date, we've talked about:

- The spirit of Bitterness
- The spirit of Accusation
- The spirit of Rejection
- The spirit of Unloving

As far as I know, we will still cover Fear, the Occult and some walking out orders. Before the class started, I identified Fear and Rejection as my two biggies. The more I learn about each, the more I can see the presence of each in my life. Of course, that can feed Rejection as I battle thoughts of being "really messed up"...but that is one perspective, a narrow enemy-led view of my life, past and present.

The other perspective, the Godly perspective, is quite different.

I believe the Lord is unveiling stuff to me in a timely, intense manner because He really wants me to shed this crap/junk/toxic waste and claim my Sonship in His Kingdom. I believe the enemy is threatened by this and has always been threatened by this. That's why he's applying the full-court press, and has been doing so way back to the beginning.

The beginning for me was a mother's womb that had struggled to conceive, that had miscarried a short time before I was conceived. I didn't learn that until much later in life, but I remember being struck by the magnitude of that. If my mom hadn't miscarried a child, I wouldn't be here. There was joy that came from pain. The Lord was at work, and was my protector in an environment where the enemy was doing his thing, killing and bringing pain.

I confess this can easily lead to pride..."Hey, I'm really important, I've got some really BIG stuff to do." That totally obstructs the so-called little stuff I'm called to do. You know, love people, care for them, teach them, support them...essentially, walk around like Jesus and be a blessing. Small actions that through the Lord ARE the "Big stuff" He calls us to.

Wow, an insight all from getting back to being diligent with a little blog.

Cool.

Poverty in the Suburbs*

Poverty is more prevalent in my life than I would think as a middle class white guy.

Oddly enough, I spoke to my Aunt down in Alabama earlier in the year, and she said something about my father that I had never known. My father's dad left when he was 3 or 4, and my grandmother remarried an Army man. They had one daughter, my aunt, and proceeded to travel all over the place, including stints in Europe, before settling in Louisiana.

Apparently, there were several things my Dad wanted to do growing up and in high school (activities, events, etc) that the family simply could not afford. My aunt expressed his sincere frustration and resentment about this back and, and that my dad even references some of this stuff present day. It has affected how he helped (or didn't help) with my grandmother's care over her last few years.

Can I connect the dots? Yes, I see how a spirit of poverty plays out in a middle class white dude. I see how I can clutch firmly onto what I've been blessed with, how I can even resent when I don't get more, get what I want.

Ecclesiastes 5:10 convicts me and the feeling that I don't have enough. It keeps me from seeing the abundance of blessings in my life, that the gifts the Lord provides aren't tied to currency.

I repent and recognize my heavenly Father gives, and he gives BIG TIME.

Brothers, this poverty thing is worth digging into.

bc

*I originally posted this on our Deliverance blog, but I wanted to get it on here too.