This Old House 1.0

My mom still lives in my childhood home. I lived there for 16 years until I went to college in Oxford. Ahh, if I'm quiet enough, I can still hear the rumble of my Big Wheel racing down the driveway.

A few weeks ago, I made a decision that I was going to head up there once a week to take care of some landscaping and other home improvement projects. I'm taking classes part time, but the house is a full-time job, for a small corporation. Lots of projects. I had made the promise in the past to be more diligent about helping, but for some reason, I usually got distracted with stuff in Cincy, my job, house and other responsibilities.

Well, I don't have the job right now. I'm back in school, and I forgot how much I love that flexible schedule. I've been up there three times already. Even used a chainsaw for the first time. AWESOME!! If I could only use the chainsaw on weeds.

Speaking of weeds, my time up there has reminded me of some "spiritual weeds" that first started growing in my childhood. In my last trip up there alone, I recognized that I was introduced to pornography in my brother's fort in the backyard. Sadly/amazingly, I can still remember the pictures he had posted. I was likely 7 or 8 years old at the time. What a nasty weed that was and is. More on the porn stuff in later posts. I just want to document the blessing of having things brought back top of mind as I try to expel my personal demons once and for all.

Another memory from the backyard - my dad throwing a baseball at my shins repeatedly. I was worn out, feeling lazy, whatever. Look, I even accuse myself now. Bottom line, I wasn't "hitting him in the chest" with my throws as a youngster, so to teach me the importance, he whizzed the ball back at me at my shins. It hit a few times. Not fun. You see, you only where shin guards in soccer, so my legs were quite vulnerable during this backyard game of catch.

After this went on for a bit, I finally just ran around to the front of the house. I was sobbing. My dad was chasing me, quite pissed off at me. From there, I don't remember what really happened, what he said to me. I know he caught me and said some stuff that I'm sure wasn't encouraging.

So, let's do a quick tally. Viewing women as objects of lust...weedy seed planted. Fear of failure, not feeling good enough or strong enough. Scared of letting father down and what would result...weedy seed planted.

Wow, talk about some clean up that needs to take place.

I'm praying and expecting for other memories to come to light during this Strongholds class and my visits home. Much like weeding, you have to do some digging to get to the root, upsetting the soil around the weed to get it out. I want to invite God to break out his trowel, his shovel, his back hoe and whatever other tools are necessary to get these instruments of bondage and death OUT of me. As I type that, I sense Him telling me that I'm the foreman of this project, and I can give the orders.

Nice!

Gut Reactions to Rejection Lecture

So, we learned about the spirit of rejection this week. Steven gave this definition - Rejection is misplaced identity resulting in idolatry of affirmation and a dismissal of the acceptance we have in God.

Yep...makes sense. I see it in my life. Lots of it.

I can identify doorways in my life that have given it access.

Parents divorced when I was in middle school.

Older brother ran away from home when he was 16 yrs old and we can barely keep in contact now.

My dad's dad split when my dad was 4...the only grandpa I knew was my step-grandpa. I know NOTHING about my "Grandpa Cassidy." It's weird. People ask if I'm related to this Cassidy or that Cassidy, and I have no clue. Maybe, maybe not. All I know is that he struggled with alcohol and he bailed.

Let's see, what else.

Dad was definitely a workaholic. Traveled on TDY for work a lot, would be gone for a whole week at a time often.

My older brother was adopted. The way I envision these spirits is that they just hover around...even if you don't have your "own demons", you can feel the impact from someone else.

Abandonment...my grandparents hit up the Rose Bowl parade when I was born in California. I was due Dec 22 or something like that, but decided to pop out on Jan 1 while they were in Pasadena for the parade. It's a funny little story, but I never really probed my mom to see how she felt. And since it's come to mind now, I know she did feel some sense of rejection.

Lack of nurturing...well, Mom did have to work a lot more when it was just the two of us.

Snubs...never made an athletic team I had to try out for. I enjoyed sports, and excelled at running, but as I type that I realize I told myself Track and Cross Country was for the hacks that couldn't do "real" sports. What a bunch of crap.

Snubs could really be it's own posting as I think about it. I was laid off from my job about 3 months ago, and I love that it pushed me to pursue a job in the education field, something I feel really called to do and continue to receive words of encouragement. But still, while I say the right things, I have to watch the Bitterness toward my old company, the boss, the supervisors, the co-workers. It's toxic and it does come back again and again, like something from a horror flick.

That is a lot of access to my heart right there, and I'm only scratching the surface.

I'll keep digging and exploring my innermost being. My Creator knows it, so I want to have Him show me around. Show me where he is remodeling, where he is renovating, and where he is simply going to do a demo.

Psalm 27:10 -
Though my father and mother forsake me,
the LORD will receive me.

Thank you Daddy for that.

bc

You said it Paul!

"For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline." (2Tim 1:7)

I often have to remind myself of that verse. Thankfully, the Spirit moved me to that verse during some quiet time last month. Up to that point, I was vaguely familiar with it. Now, I believe it is firmly tattooed on my heart. I still may have trouble remembering if it's in 1st or 2nd Timothy, but those words are now ALIVE in me.

That's a good thing.

Now, I've been tap dancing around starting this blog for several weeks. I first had the idea to start one several months ago when I knew I would be going through a group study for men called Strongholds. We're learning how spiritual forces opposed to God exist and want to systematically pick us off, be it one by one or millions by millions. Conceptually, I was familiar with spiritual warfare. Now, I'm blessed to have a band of brothers shining lights on many areas of my life. Let's just say the cockroaches are scattering.

That begs the question. Why am I threat to the enemy? I guess it's the fact that I was made in my Heavenly Father's image...that I have the capacity to not just be like Jesus, but to be greater than Jesus (John 14:12).

Blasphemy? He said it, not me.

Hearing that excites me. It reminds me I do have a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline. It's sitting right there, waiting for me to recognize it and spring into action.

So yes, while anyone can write a blog (please excuse yourself, spirit of accusation, we won't be needing you here), only I can capture what is happening in me...in my heart as it pumps the blood of Jesus throughout my ravaged body and in my brain as it becomes renewed by these truths.(Romans 8:5-6).

I see the light, and now I'm going to start LIVING in it. (YES!)

bc